It's been a little over three months since my last and abrupt post announcing that I was closing down my blog for awhile. With this post I'm not re-opening it, but I just thought it would be fair to give a little account (from my own month) of what happened to me. I'm gonna be as brief as possible.
During the end of October last year I had what could be called as a mental/emotional breakdown. I didn't see it as such at the time, but today I understand. These past few years of my life have been straining, and stubborn as I am in my idealism, I kept going, always reaching for more, always wanting what I considered to be the highest will of God in my life. When my last attempt at trying a new venture didn't come through because most people in this world are not honest and truthful, and selfishness abounds more than we wish it did, I just crumbled. But today I see that it was the accumulation of years of questions I had left unanswered, hurts I had left open, stress I had not tended to and issues I had with Myself and God and I had chosen to forget.
My impulse at that point was just to scream "enough" and to close off everything and everyone to try to find some answers. I decided to take a break from being a missionary of the Family, in fact, I decided to take a break from God because I realized that I was very upset at Him, and I had never admitted it. I distanced myself from many friends and even from my personal family and decided to try everything I always wanted to try but I never could before, so I went a little wild. Actually, I think I went very wild and did things I would never do normally, but it was a crazy phase and I had to try it.
Last month I took a trip to Chile for three weeks to just rest and chill. My kid stayed back with my mom and it was the first time in my life that I was in a place where nobody knew me or expected anything from me, besides I wasn't excepting anything of myself except to be happy and have fun. I met wonderful people and discovered many things about myself and about life, and even about God...a God that loves me and has been with me through it all and that I'm getting to know again in a different way than before.
I'm am presently staying with my mom and family (the house with the mountains) for an indefinite period of time until I feel truly rested, at peace with God and the world and at peace with myself and my life so far. I want to thank the sweet friends I have that prayed for me during this time, thank you, I feel much better, and I want to apologize to anybody whom I might have mistreated. I'm sorry.
People that always expect too much of themselves - like in my case - tend to also expect too much of others and many times come out as demeaning and proud. I know I have and I'm sorry. I turned 27 ten days ago and I feel like my soul is being lifted of burdens it has been carrying for so long.
I still have long ways to go and have many ups and downs, but I'm slowly learning to communicate with God again in my own way. I spend a LOT of time alone and quiet due to my location, and it's very different from the hurried life I have been living for the past 10 years and sometimes it drives me crazy...but I know it's what I need right now.
Ok, that's it! That's me! I wish you all the best through these crazy time of Change.