Friday, February 12, 2010
It's been a little over three months since my last and abrupt post announcing that I was closing down my blog for awhile. With this post I'm not re-opening it, but I just thought it would be fair to give a little account (from my own month) of what happened to me. I'm gonna be as brief as possible.
During the end of October last year I had what could be called as a mental/emotional breakdown. I didn't see it as such at the time, but today I understand. These past few years of my life have been straining, and stubborn as I am in my idealism, I kept going, always reaching for more, always wanting what I considered to be the highest will of God in my life. When my last attempt at trying a new venture didn't come through because most people in this world are not honest and truthful, and selfishness abounds more than we wish it did, I just crumbled. But today I see that it was the accumulation of years of questions I had left unanswered, hurts I had left open, stress I had not tended to and issues I had with Myself and God and I had chosen to forget.
My impulse at that point was just to scream "enough" and to close off everything and everyone to try to find some answers. I decided to take a break from being a missionary of the Family, in fact, I decided to take a break from God because I realized that I was very upset at Him, and I had never admitted it. I distanced myself from many friends and even from my personal family and decided to try everything I always wanted to try but I never could before, so I went a little wild. Actually, I think I went very wild and did things I would never do normally, but it was a crazy phase and I had to try it.
Last month I took a trip to Chile for three weeks to just rest and chill. My kid stayed back with my mom and it was the first time in my life that I was in a place where nobody knew me or expected anything from me, besides I wasn't excepting anything of myself except to be happy and have fun. I met wonderful people and discovered many things about myself and about life, and even about God...a God that loves me and has been with me through it all and that I'm getting to know again in a different way than before.
I'm am presently staying with my mom and family (the house with the mountains) for an indefinite period of time until I feel truly rested, at peace with God and the world and at peace with myself and my life so far. I want to thank the sweet friends I have that prayed for me during this time, thank you, I feel much better, and I want to apologize to anybody whom I might have mistreated. I'm sorry.
People that always expect too much of themselves - like in my case - tend to also expect too much of others and many times come out as demeaning and proud. I know I have and I'm sorry. I turned 27 ten days ago and I feel like my soul is being lifted of burdens it has been carrying for so long.
I still have long ways to go and have many ups and downs, but I'm slowly learning to communicate with God again in my own way. I spend a LOT of time alone and quiet due to my location, and it's very different from the hurried life I have been living for the past 10 years and sometimes it drives me crazy...but I know it's what I need right now.
Ok, that's it! That's me! I wish you all the best through these crazy time of Change.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I'm a little bit sad to announce that this little blog will be closing down for now. I will be going on a different journey in my life and I can't take you along this time. I will leave it online as memory of happy and sad moments I encountered during the last 3 years of my life.
I'm thankful for all the wonderful friends I made through this blog and I'll love you forever.
I pray that God will guide your lives to his perfect will and please pray for Him to guide me step by step as I march into the unknown.
I don't want to close this blog in a sad tone, so I'm gonna leave you something that I wrote the other day while I was spending some time in silence:
The knowledge of peace is found through the surrender of life. When there is nothing left, not pride, no ambitions, no self-proclaimed works or nothing to call your own, then comes the question: Faith or fear? Fear or peace? The peace that passes all understanding comes in many forms but without the stillness, without the absense of mind it cannot find entrance to your spirit.
The flesh is fickle, the spirit is eternal and in peace and quietness shall your strength be. No hair of your head falls to the ground without your heavenly father knowing about it. No lie is spoken without God knowing the truth. No heartbreak arrives without the healing touch behind it. Nothing is in vain. Remember that!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Well, today I have quite a different predicament. Due to a few circunstances that are a little over our control, are little team is 'houseless"(meaning we are camping around in different places while we're nailing down the house we are gonna live in permanently). But the couple months we spend together were really cool and I just like these guys soooo much. I don't feel homeless, since I know my home is there in spirit, but it feels kind of scary and lonely to be away from eachother physically.
These past couple of days have been a roller coaster for me. Today, to be exacty, has been like hell and high water. I felt fear, pain, disapointment, insecurity, relief, peace, nothing and everything. I don't know what to think (and thats quite a feat for me) so its come to that...those famous lines: "We just have to trust the Lord, its come to that."
Dear friends, please continue to pray for our little pioneer team. I hope its just in Brasil, but since the Change Program everybody is packing up and leaving and it seems like if it keeps going in this speed, they'll be no one left by Christmas. Not an easy time to believe. 1000 shall fall by my side and 10000 at my right side, but it shall not come nigh me. I sure hope so, at least!
Ok, enough blabbing...I think you got the point. Besos a todos! Los quiero mucho!
Monday, October 19, 2009
I got the sweetest unexpected note from C. in WS. I’m not sure if I can write her name here or not, but I followed her blog a bit before she went to WS and she seemed like a very fun person to hang out with, ha!
Well, her message took me by surprise since it came from a total stranger and it was so filled with love and encouragement. Well, actually, maybe it was so filled with love and encouragement BECAUSE it came from a total stranger, ha! I get very flattered when I receive a message like that, since I know the person I am and I know the reality I live in and I know that it ain’t pretty. I try not to think about it too much and to just close my eyes, believe in the Lords promises for me and the rest of the family, and take it a day at a time.
It seems like I’m in a whirlwind right now, but I just know I have to keep going forward, though everything seems to be going wrong. I can’t explain the feeling and I’m sure many of you can relate since we’re all in the same boat.
Well, C. You know, I already liked you before your note and I like you a whole lot more now. I sure hope (for your own good) that you are NOT like me, unless you’re the kind of person that leaps before she looks and knows that to live means to take risks. And also if you’re a disaster in every way but manage to not let it bother you anymore so you can focus on more important things like making use of the few good things you do have, ha! If you just know and anywhere with Jesus is gonna be sweeter than the place before that you’ll love Him more and more, even if He seemed to have gone for a walk right when you were in a very tight spot…yet you know that He knows and that He’ll show up before the bomb explodes.
I’m gonna post the link to the song you sent me here. I’ve watched the movie several times with my boy, but the words always get to me. They are strong and deep and very, very real.
I love you very, very much!!!!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I recently saw this link to a blog on my skype and by following the link I found out that one of my friends had just undergone a very difficult experience and lost her baby at birth. First I was very sad about it, but as I read through the blog I was very touched by the way she was looking at things in such a positive way and also at the grace the Lord gave her and her family to undergo this heartbreaking experience.
Its worth a read, everyone!!! Here's the link in English http://www.anjinhaalina.blogspot.com/
And to you Gaby and Steve, my prayers go your way. I pray that you'll continue to find the Lords comfort through it all so you'll be able to understand and comfort others who go through similar experiences.
I love you both!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Blessed peace and crazy trust
Unbelievable assurance is a must
For the daring and the brave
Who life´s meaning long to save
Look at me if you are one
And never mind where you came from
For your heart is burning free
Live life´s love. Come with me
Up ahead, you´ll never know
You´ll be lead and you will go
Where you always fantasized
Where the sun never forgets to rise
Extreme reality, not just dreams
uncharted emotions, laughs and screams
No calculations, only jumps
Eyes tight shut, no time for stumps
Releasing dreams that were locked away
Absorbing all that comes our way
Believe with faith, and hope with love
That all that trust, will dance above.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I wrote this song three years ago at the end of my life as I knew it and the beginning of the new life the Lord gave me and continues to give me day after day.
I never recorded it because I didn't think my low level of quality and scarce use of instruments could do it justice, but today I got inspired and decided to record it and share it with you all. Its also the first time I record anything since the last song I posted.
I hope you enjoy it!!!
Crystal ball, can you tell me my future?
What do you see?
Giant ocean, can you wash all the fear,
and set my free?
Shining moonlight, can you mend my heart?
Little flower, can you heal it all?
Gorgeous sunrise, can you help my life to
Mighty heavens, can you make it all blue,
just like you?
Mourning raindrops, tell me that you won't stay.
Promised rainbow, just promise me it's ok.
Like can spring forth again
where there was the old the new can be built
Love can be born again
and a broken heart with faith can be healed
No prayer's too small
no hope to far
He's all around
and He hears it all
Steady mountain, can you help me believe
in God's promise?
Sparkling river, can you teach me to flow
with His plan?
Little baby can I be more like you?
Give me your faith for it's simple and true.
Crystal ball, I don't have to know it all...
Friday, September 25, 2009
The other day I was talking to my friend Miguel about how maybe we are living parallel lives. We make many important desicions in the course of our lives that many times define the route our lives will go on, but I just wonder if maybe we continue living that life, while living this one...like the one with the desicions we made in this life, and another one totally different with the ones we could've made and how our lives wouldn't turned out differently (Not necessarily better, but just different).
I know it's just one of my tripping-out things, but I think of people that I loved in different occasions and how my circunstances and choices made me decide a different pathand leave them behind forever. Time goes by, but it never ceases to hunt me a little.
Though I have no regrets and the past is the past. I know that when love is real then we'll be able to live and love again forever this time, whether in this life or in the life hereafter (or maybe in our parellel life..heh heh)
Here's a poem I wrote 3 years ago when I had an encounter with a memory from the past. I was a beautiful experience...short but long lasting. Love is forever...
Thought the feeling may be faint,
Oh for joys and thrills so pure.
The simple holding of hands,
But grow we must, in say and thought,
Call a spade by its own name
But sometimes we find a breech.
Where we sneak back to our dreams,
Oh, these moments are so few,
For their presence is so warm,
Many dreams I left behind
to the one I knew, in love,
Many tears fell down my cheeks,
But His mercy and His gifts
Oh, His kisses were so sweet,
Making sense of all my rubble.
Now I'm back at the real world,
And wink up at the moon,
But these secrets, they are secred,
Time to close that little door.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to keep you as posted about the happenings of the new home, since my internet access is quite limited to what I really, really have to do right now, though I wish I could be posting more.
All to say, we’re still here. Right now our little team is still very much in the pioneer stages, looking for permanent housing and building our flock as well as our financial support. We started our singing group two weeks ago and it’s taking off. We’ve sang in a few different places and the Lord is opening the doors for us, though we still have a long ways to go. We also have a few bible classes in our home already and the little flock is getting organized and strengthened. We are also learning how to work together, how to adapt to each other’s strengths and weaknesses and learning to have fun together. It’s quite a challenge each step of the way and the Lord’s been doing little miracles that keep us going.
I think this is an experience every disciple should go through at least once. No matter what happens later, you’ll always remember that Jesus never fails when you put Him on the spot and you’ll always remember what a thrill it is to live by faith all the way.
The Lord supplied a soccer school for Ricardo and I’m super happy about that. He’s doing well in his home-schooling so far and I’m praying about what will be best for him next year when it comes to his academic schooling judging by how our home’s structure will be as well as what he personally needs right now.
Please continue to pray for us. We have a few immediate needs:
1) A good house
2) A good car
3) Furniture (for when we move)
4) Right personnel
(Ok, ok fine…we need EVERYTHING!!!! Well, not everything. At least we have Jesus and we have each other. We’re gonna go places…in Jesus name, we’ll rock this part of the world
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
(Jesus)There is no answer as to the question of why people are willing to give their lives to take up My cross and follow me. You won’t be able to understand it or explain it, and I can’t give you any tangible earthly guaranties. That’s why it’s such a an honor to those to choose this road, and that’s why the rewards will be so great, because it comes from the passion, “the Passion of the Christ” that led me to die for you not knowing whether you would accept my love or choose the right path after all my sacrifices. That’s your passion, sweetie! Embrace it and be counted as a passionate soul who has found her savior and lives for him. It’s all about love; My love for you and you love for Me; My passion to die for you and your Passion to live for me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I try to explain it but I can't. It's a gut feeling of being completely sure this is the path that was chosen for you by the angelic forces way before you even dreamed of coming to this messy world, but yet, as hard as you try, you can't see any further then half a feet ahead of you. You're walking blindly totally believing that the hand you feel holding yours is Gods, but yet you don't see Him, so you have no way of proving it. And the proof will never come in this lifetime, all you have is your faith. YOUR faith!!! I majored on the word "your" because somehow you have the faith for it, yet no others do and neither do they remotely perceive what's going on in your heart of hearts. The faith was given to you and only you, and it's a really lonely path.
But the worse part of it is that you don't know where you're going, you don't know how long it will take, you don't know what's beyond that next bend, but at least you know something...what??? What do you know??? You know the cost! You know it's gonna cost you everything, your money; youth; time; dreams; ambitions; and maybe you'll give it all and have no return...just the feeling of knowing you gave all for a higher cause that one day will chose to reveal itself.
If you find yourself feeling like this, then I feel worthy to somehow be connected to you and a little part of your life. Finding oneself is is a daunty task and often unrewarded, but finding ones God is always the peak of our mortal lives. When we find our God, we find ourselves and discover the purpuse of our lives. Our God is the one thing or person we chose to give our life too...that we chose to worship and love and cherish all the days of our lives and beyond.
I don't know where the road will lead me
and I don't know how I'm getting there
but I know that the one who leads me is someone who cares
I don't know if any of my questions
will get answered anyway
but I have faith in the unseen
and though sometimes I want to scream
As crazy as it may seem
I know I'm in the right way...
I have only one thing to say right now: Close your eyes, don't think twice, Grab God's hand and move forward. We'll meet at the end of the road!!! I hope I see you there.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I came back yesterday from the Teachers Seminar. I'll post more about it once I get my ideas in place so I can make some sense. But all to say, I did enjoy it and it was great to get out of the wings and spend some nice time with Jesus and with other wonderful people, and have great conversations as well as make new friends.
I was reading the "reality" GN today. Really, really nice!!! Well, I'm back to my reality. There's still quite a long road ahead of me and all of us here in our pioneer situation. We're making the way for the Lord to do this miracles, so now it's His turn.
Just gotta keep positive and most of all...just gotta keep our eyes on Jesus!!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tomorrow I'll be traveling to the teachers seminar and I'll be gone for a week. I am happy because the Lord supplied the funds and I'll really looking forward to making some good desicions about my sons education seeing all sides and not just doing the easy thing, which would be putting him in school. I have my own thoughts about it, though I am not closed to anything right now and I'm really trying to find the Lords will, so hopefully this time will help me since I'm really getting away from everthing and only focusing on that.
But other than that, I didn't really want to go because my whole team just arrived this week and I LIKE THEM SO MUCH!!!! We had offensive meetings these week as well as voted a steering council, so things are just starting to happen and I don't want to miss ANYTHING. I mean, I've been waiting and working and trusting for the past 5 months, so when the promises are finally here, I just want to enjoy the ride.
Well, either way I'll be gone. Keep me in your prayers as well as my baby home here. Wonderful things can happen if you believe and are willing to work for them and wait for the right time.
Here are some recent pictures! I love you all!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Dear wonderful friends,
It's past 2 AM and I just came back from a bible class. My eyes are hurting since I haven't had a rest day since June, my mind is racing from everything that is happening, but somehow I miss you. I haven't posted for a while due to lack of time and lack of internet for the past week, for all of you dear friends that like to come here for a visit sometime, I have only one thing to say to you.
I know that so many things are changing drastically and we're all pretty unstable and unsure of what will come just beyond this bend in the road. Please, just hang in there. Don't leave me alone in this crazy change journey. I want to go the distance and make it count. I want to see the end of it and know that it was worth the while, in fact, that is was worth investing my life. I need you! Stay with me...
Well, that being said. Here are some pictures of us. First the pictures I took of my son, and then the pictures he took of me (which he told me how to pose and all...he's pretty good).
Catch you around...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sometimes I catch myself thinking: “what the …. am I doing?” It was like a snowball. First the push, then the idea carries on, the it starts actually happening, and now SOMETHING is gonna happen whether I like it or not. It’s almost getting out of control. Well, I could right now say: “Stop, it’s over! I think maybe we should really think about this…etc” But why? It’s better to fail in something you love, then to succeed in something you hate, and when it comes down to it…who said we’ll fail? Well, I’m pretty honest and blunt and I know there are plenty of people who are just watching and waiting and placing their bets on either, the success or the failure in this new crazy venture. But I know God is playing for keeps, and I’m really trying hard to follow Him, though it’s almost leaving the limits of my faith. I guess one thing that comforts me is that God doesn’t see success like we do. Success in the Lords service is the love we give, the souls we win, the disciples we train and if we keep the faith until the end. That we’ll do, oh yeah, you can bet your boots. We’re all young, we’re all pretty inexperienced in this new venture of “opening a home from complete scratch” and some of us don’t really even know each other that well (or at all) but the Lord told us that this is what he wanted us to do, so He’ll have to take care of the part of uniting us as one, giving us the plan of attack, supplying our needs and the needs of our children, and taking us higher. I’m still young and can still allow myself some risks, especially if my final purpose is the mission of spreading the gospel, so let’s just keep rolling. Am I scared? To death! Will I stop? Not today! (And don’t ask me tomorrow) “We just have to keep moving, till we get to our heavenly home”.
Monday, July 6, 2009
It's very difficult to find the balance between living for the moment and living for the future. The future was something that never really scared me until recently. I think it started sometime during last year and through my 26th birthday and on. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm getting closer to 30, or the fact that my son is 6, or the fact that I'm actually paying my own rent and bills, or the fact that I might live until I'm 75, or the fact that I have no idea where I'll be in 10 years when my son is 16 and starts freaking out on me, or the fact that I'm getting wrinkles in the eyes, or maybe just the fact that I'm taking all my decisions to another level of soberness and meditation...oh God...my thoughts and questions and even doubts hunt me trying to make me stop. Stop what? Stop moving forward to the goals I made and the future. What future??? Well, that's something I don't know, but God does. One has got to believe in God in order to make it through life in one piece.
All I can do is pray: "Dear Jesus, I know that while You're probably laughing at my stupid worries and fears, You also know how real they are to a little girl like me with such high ambitions, but just weak faith. I know that my life has been a set of miracles since the day I was concieved, and especially during the past 4 years. The greatest miracle has been how You managed to pull me out of the dark pit of despair to start my life again somehow, and make it better. And how You're pushing me to new horizons, when sometimes I don't even know if they are really there. Jesus, whatever it is that You're doing...keep doing it! Just keep me moving, keep me believing and keep me praying. The future scares me, but You don't scare me one bit, because You have always been faithful and true. If change means You, my love, take me to Your arms and truly give me the ride of my life. Help me out here".
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tonight we have been oficially here in the new house for exactly one week. All I have to say is..."home alone". Actually, that is NOT all I have to say.
Man, first I was gonna say..."We said we were gonna do it, and we did it", but I'll take that back one million times over. Instead I'll say: "He said we were gonna do it, and we did...or He did".
Well, we're here. The home has been open, the team is arriving and anything wonderful can happen. The big question is "what"? I won't lie when I say that all the changes the Family is undergoing don't scare me quite a bit, especially because I don't know how they will affect us directly in our new venture and in our personal lives, but all I can do is hang on, keep the vision and pray for the best.
Here is our team for you (missing Miguel and Caco). Please lay hands on us in the Spirit and pray for the anointing of the Holy Spirit to do the impossible in this huge city. It's time!!! Now is the hour!!!!
One of our first meals in the new house:
During one of our many trips:
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sitting here with you today,
There’s such so much I want to say
You’ve been so far away
So busy with the day to day
I see you coming now
You’re heavy but you wear a crown
You gave for so, so long
In weakness you were made strong
It’s Ok, it’s alright
I will hold you oh so tight
You will fly, you will soar
See the universe and more
Just be still, cuz you will
See My promises fulfilled
You’ll be fine and you’ll know when it’s time.
Waiting for so, so long so if what I promised would come true
Not really knowing if it’s true or if it applies to you
Always waiting, always praying for strength to carry on
But the waiting, Its Over, its time to shine on
Lighting strikes, through the sky
To remind you you are mine
Just believe you are free
And you’ll never, ever die
You can try, you can fail
But you’re never lose to Me
You will win, then you’ll come home to Me
Hi everybody. It's been a while since I get a new song, so you can imagine how happy I was to finally get his yesterday. I actually had time to record this since my son was out with my brothers watching a soccer game, and I had like 2 hours for myself. I think it's the first time I recorded in my little set up this year. Hopefully I'll have more down the line after the move.
I love you all...enjoy!
PS: It's Jesus speaking to you...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I used to write a lot about love in my little blog. I don't know if it was because I was really trying to make peace with love and everything it had done to me, or because I actually felt love being reborn in my heart and life through the loss and heartbreak. I also used to write about freedom! I guess I used to write about a lot of deep stuff...and it was nice. I like writing, almost as much as I like composing, but not as much as I like having a really good time talking to really good friend.
It's 2AM on the 12th of June, and here in Brasil it's "lover's day" so I felt like writing about it. But as much as I try, I just don't feel romantic and I just can't fake words that don't come from within. I think I'm more in the "practical" phase of my life where I don't really analyze and talk much, but I just take calculated risks and stay on the move. "Romantic" love is not exactly in my list of priorities and I'm in fact fighting against it in my own way, and I'm feeling kind of guilty about it.
Oh, maybe I should just shut up! I try very hard to not write nonsense in this blog and waist somebody's precious time. Time is something that most of us don't have much.
This is what I want to say:
The 12th of June is just a day like any other, and you can love someone today, just like you can love someone at any other time of the year.
What makes life special are not the special dates, but the special people.
Feelings are not so important...but man, it's so wonderful to have those feelings.
Whether you're young or old, we are all the same age when it comes to love, because we never learn, and it's always an adventure.
"Carinho" is a word I don't really know how to translate to English, but I still think that you should give more "carinho". It just feels good!!!
Peace out! I'm sorry for a sloppy post!! I love you all so much!!
Feliz dia dos namorados.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I had an experience today. I was resting, so I took some time to watch some clips online of Christian/devocional songs and just enjoy the music and think of Jesus. For some unknown reason, one of the songs made me cry, and once I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt kind of good to cry, but I didn't know exactly why I was crying.
I laid in my bed a little sad and I started missing my dad. My dad died when I was 9, so it's quite a while ago and not something that gets me down these days, but today I was really missing him and thinking about visiting his grave sometime (I've never gone there since he was buried in Argentina and I haven't gone back since we left). I just felt like I was missing something so when I prayed about it, Jesus told me that I was missing heaven and the people here, and how I'm always gonna feel this emptyness until I arrived home.
But later on that afternoon I checked my mail and got a message from my brother and I realized what it was all about. Today is my dad's birthday. I never forget his birthday, but because of everything that's going on in my life right now, my mind hasn't stopped, besides I was planning my son's birthday in two days, so I had totally forgotten about anything else.
At first I felt really bad about forgetting his birthday, but then I realized that he was right here with me and that's why I got all those mixed feelings. He was trying to remind me of his birthday, so that I wouldn't feel bad later about forgetting, ha! Besides, he just wanted to remind that he's still around and helping me, especially in this new phase of my life.
Thank you Papito! You will always be my hero! I love you.
Happy 58th birthday.